Where Did the Time Go...

It seems like daily I have friends and family say to me, "can you believe Rett is one, now??" and I know how they feel, it seems like all of their children are growing up entirely too fast in front of my eyes. But, this last year, the first year of Rett's life was also the hardest year of my life...and therefor, one of the longest.
To some degree it is easy for me to open up about things and for those that know me, I'm pretty much an open book- but my deepest emotions are usually buried deep within and I couldn't dig them out if I tried. I did not tell many people, but I suffered with postpartum depression after Rett was born. I can't even describe the fog that I was living in- but if you have been there, you understand. I remember my sweet little cousin (sister) Cindy telling me a long time ago after seeing Brooke Shields on Oprah, "IF you EVER have postpartum, you TELL me." and I though, if I did I would...but I didn't, until after I was better. You don't want to talk to anybody...you don't want to do anything...you just want to sit, or sleep. The one person that I was able to reach out to, probably more on a personal level than I ever had in my life...was my Dad. He never got "wishy washy" with me (or anybody for that matter) but he knew that postpartum was real and that if I was going to get better, I needed to be on medicine. He reasoned with me. He called me twenty times a day to check on me (which he would not normally do). He helped me out of my fog...we were closer than we had been in a long time through that period.
It was a wake up call when my best friend (she also didn't know about my depression prior- I feel like the Lord knew I needed to hear what she told me) called one day to tell me a tragic story of a precious girl in Birmingham whose husband was a resident at a hospital here...she, too, was suffering with postpartum and had a son almost the same age as Rett. While her husband was at work, she left a note, shot her son and then herself in her back yard. As absolutely horrifying as it was to even hear that story or think about, I know that it was not premeditated- she wanted that baby as much as I wanted Rett...post partum depression is a terrible and REAL illness that makes you do things you could never imagine...I knew that I had to get mine under control.
In the midst of all of this, Rett was in Children's Hospital for a week when he was just a couple of weeks old- I hated leaving Hill for the first time for that long, his world had been turned upside down. Rett had to have a spinal tap and so many procedures done to his little tiny body...I felt like my heart wouldn't make it through all of it. I know that I didn't truly know what a "heartache" felt like until you see your child suffer...it hurts more than any other physical pain ever could.
So, when Rett got better...Dad got worse...he only saw Rett one time in September, about a week after he was born. Right after that Thanksgiving, Dad started his three months in the hospital.
Every time I talk about the last holidays, people catch me and say, "no val, that was the year before last". It so weird, but it's like I almost have amnesia from last year. It breaks my heart that I probably won't remember a lot from my sweet baby boy's first year, that when I think about that year, I think about a lot of "heartache"...but every day that I see his face, and HOW MUCH he looks like my dad, it makes my heart glad. Rett has had more illnesses in his short life than any one year old should have, but I thank God daily for my sweet, healthy, baby boy.

Here are some things about him right now that I love:
- He is a mess, and knows it, he has quickly learned to use his dimples and grin to his advantage.
- He is into everything!! I hate to say that we never used child locks with Hill, we didn't have to- with Rett, I don't think they make enough locks for our house.
- He loves to snuggle and he will lay that little head down on your shoulder and melt anybodies heart.
-He absolutely worships his big brother...Hill makes him laugh like nobody else can.
-He is hysterical- he can make us laugh like nobody else can...I have a feeling he is going to be our family clown.

I know that this last year has made me a better mom, daughter, friend, and wife (I hope). Although it was the hardest year of my life, I do, really believe, in the saying "what doesn't kill you will make you stronger"...and it has. It greatly strengthened my personal relationship with my Father, I prayed harder and longer than I ever had in tears and in joy...in this, I thank Him for loving me, for welcoming my Dad into His heavenly home,and for bringing me out of "the fog".